Haven’t done this in a while.

It’s not that I forgot to blog, but I forgot to blog ….. lol.

It’s been 2 years since my last blog and a lot has happened in my life since then, a heck of a lot.

Over the past years I have learned so much about myself, and so if you are interested to read about it and maybe even reflect upon your own life, its not a bad thing to often reflect, “audit” if you like, your life and decisions and choices.

A very long time ago I felt the call of God upon my life. It was a call into ministry as a Pastor/Officer in the Salvation Army. It was a call into helping people to find meaning and purpose… to find hope in God.  

It has never changed … it has involved leading people to find peace and hope, and I have never stopped doing that, even in my ministry within Ambulance Victoria, whilst it wasn't so evangelistic in its approach at AV, it nevertheless was the same inside me. And when I had the chance to speak about God, of course that is exactly what I did.

Having said that, a time eventually came when my values and ethics were tested to the degree in which I had to make a choice around those ethics and values and whether I would compromise that ….

and I would not compromise that. 

So after 50 years of working, I find myself unemployed….at an age where I have vast amounts of experience and a little bit of wisdom and some skills ….but also at an age where I am maybe, just maybe…too old for work. ( well not exactly as I have some things in the pipeline right now)

And so …soul searching, second guessing my decisions, worry about finances, concerns over my immediate future, and questioning the God stuff in my life and whether I have been disobedient to that calling, but also observing peoples view of me, and the associated pain that comes from feeling unvalued or unrecognized for all that you have already achieved. ( and there is much)

These things affect you… deeply. Well they have me. And I have had many sleepless nights, and fears and feelings of deep disappointment.

And then of course, the potential new roles arrive and you have to make a choice over what is best for yourself, and your family.

I am still pondering this.

So what do you do , when you find yourself in a situation like this ?

I cant tell anyone else what to do, but I can tell you what I did and am doing.

I never once stopped praying. I prayed every day for peace and clarity and for God’s direction in my life. I prayed that maybe God hadn’t finished with me just yet, and I know He has not.

I sought professional help from a psychologist and my GP to help me gain clarity and perspective. It was my psych, who reminded me to pray when I couldn’t sleep at night.

I talked it out with friends and family, and then I waited. I sensed that a time off work was needed and so no work for over 2 months.  But a few things have been achieved in that time, around home and in my personal life. A season if you like.

Let’s not underestimate  the pain of rejection, or being devalued, or unrecognized or feeling forgotten.

Don’t ever downplay what that is in your life, because for absolute certainty I can tell you that, the pain of these things goes very deep in a persons soul.

I am reminded of scripture that tells us not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought. Yet I am also reminded that God sees me for who I truly am and not what others may think of me.

God is described this way as El Roi…The God who sees me, who knows me and who loves me with a love I can never truly grasp. 

The problem we humans have is we seek recognition, we seek approval and affirmation and we seek it from our peers. And when it doesn’t come, and it often doesnt, in my experience, then we tend to flounder in our own feelings of failure. Simply because others couldn’t seem to care for or affirm us.

If you feel like that ? This is common to many and certainly I have felt it…..which has caused me to ask God where are you, only for Him to respond by saying I see you, I know… I love you still.

Is it enough ? Well it should be ….and it needs to be.. truthfully though, we still seek to hear it from those around us as well.

So for me, as I start to see a way ahead, for my life and the next stage of my ministry. I pray that God will be pleased with me. That He can still use me, in these latter stages of my human life.

That God may be glorified in and through my work and life itself.

These are my thoughts about my life these days.

Can I ask you ? When was the last time you took stock of where things are at for your life ?

The choices you are making,  the decisions, the values and ethics you live your life by. ?

It might be a difficult thing to do, it was for me. 

And If I may…

Whilst I don’t know who actually reads this blog, at last count 82,000+ people have read my blog entries over the years, 

Can I attempt to remind you….that regardless of the ways in which you may have been hurt by the church, or by work colleagues, or family or friends…. God knows you, maybe even better than you know yourself.

You may feel that life is dishing up struggle and pain, and that the future doesn't look that super good.

God, “El Roi” is as close as a whisper away and if you will whisper to Him your need of Him and His ways in your life, He will add peace into your soul.

 And strength and courage into your being.