Life is pretty interesting right now !!!!

Sometimes I feel like everything I have aspired to, is just passing me by.

Sometimes I feel like I have missed out on what God had planned for my life, due to my shortcomings, failures and the circumstances of my life.

When I became an Officer I was idealistic, I had great dreams and high hopes for my future, and tonight as I sit here and write this blog I feel like somehow I have missed it.

That somehow, I have missed out on what I had dreamt of, and what I still dream of.

Its true I am facing some fairly big challenges right now in my life, and I guess I just wonder and ponder that maybe I have run my race and this is it, and this is all there is. Maybe for me, this was all there was ever going to be.

I look at some close friends around me, making a huge difference to the World and for TSA and I am so proud of them, and secretly wish I was them, or with them. I am not envious or covetous of them, just proud of them living it out at the highest degree, impacting the world in significant ways, counter cultural some of them, others just kicking massive spiritual goals right there in their Aussie neighbourhood.

I read of officers who have bravely stood up and left the comforts and safety of their own lands and moved into nations not their own, and I too look at them and swell with pride for their obedience and willingness to move in the ways they have moved.

And then I look at my life.... and I am not down on myself, but just sometimes I wonder whether or not I have missed the mark .... missed the best that God had planned for me.

I cant change my own circumstances...well I guess I can in some ways, but in other ways, it just is what it is, and being at peace in the middle of it seems to be my greatest challenge so far in my life.

This blog and these thoughts are not about anyone else just about me and what I am feeling about myself these days.

Some may look at me, and my life and ministry and think the very opposite of what I feel inside, I cant help that, I am who I am, and I know what and who I am... and I know that deep down, somewhere along the road, I think I missed a turn. Took the wrong road, maybe... maybe .? (sigh, hmmm)

At ICO earlier this year, I sensed something, even dreamt stuff, which caused me to wake up very early in the morning and just pray about my Officership Ministry future..it was a scary yet exciting dream, which has not eventuated..and I wonder whether it will ever be so. (and no it wasnt about some aspiring career jump) but it was about obedience and surrender and commitment to the greater cause of the TSA and I feel somehow I have missed it, and with what I face these days, personally... and in my own circumstances, that somehow I have just missed the turn off somewhere and may never be able to go back or get back to where I thought I was suppossed to be.

Dont get me wrong ...I am not lost. (and this isnt about Ringwood, its just about my innermost feelings and thoughts and hopes and dreams ....that are colliding presently with my personal circumstances of my life)

But I just sense, something is now missing and I may not have taken the right path/road.

AND Now I face the challenges I do today and wonder what my future actually holds, just how long I have got to live out my destiny in Christ as a Salvo Officer, and to fulfil my life's dream of making a significant difference as I always thought God has asked me to do. I know I am getting older... losing energy, struggling with some worries... and facing hard times.

there are some things I would never change...

I will never attempt to manipulate my destiny and calling... and try to go somewhere that God hasnt ordained for me..

but it also means that I will also try to be obedient and faithful to the Call that He has ordained for me, at the present time.

In other words, do my best in what I am doing right now.

But there is this niggle inside me, its an unsettling, a feeling of what now ? especially in light of my present circumstances...its a very big, " What Now ? "

Making yourself vulnerable is risky, I know. I sure have enough critics who tell me just how pathetic I really am.

One of my greatest traits, for bad or good, is that I am very transparent, in other words what you see is what you get..in pain ? you will see it ? worried ? You will be able to tell. Hurting ? well I am sure you get it...

as I said already I am , who I am. and presently things are pretty tough going. Maybe even harder tomorrow...who knows.

But here and now I say it....

God has my heart, He has my life. I havent always been faithful to Him or obedient to His commands or successful at this Holiness thing, but my desire has always been to be so...to do well, to live for Him and to serve Him as best as I can wherever and whenever...

So no matter what happens in the coming weeks... I pray that He will be seen in me, through me, and that those closest to me, in my church and in my family... and my colleagues and friends will know that I am His and He is mine, no matter what.

 

I dont know about you ( the reader of my blog) what you desire for your life.... but I do know that Jesus is the answer and His ways are best...still.... best.

..........................................................................................................

well thats my rambling and thoughts out loud, in print, online for all to see and read, and If life is true to form, as I know it will be, many of you will be thinking any number of things that are most likely incorrect. I personally face some huge things right now, I am concerned for my health, for my family and for my future. I am extremely grateful for the hundreds of people that said they would pray for my daughter in the past couple of days, and I say thankyou publicly for that. Our prayers and the whispers of prayers uttered even in one sentence are truly powerful weapons against the evil one ..I am convinced that a whispered sentence prayer is enough for God to move heaven to bring about His purposes on the earth. So when you whisper a prayer, dont ever devalue its potency in Christ. It's crucial to our Kindom destiny in Jesus and I am grateful that there are believers out there who still believe in prayer and are willing to whisper a prayer in the evening, whisper a prayer in the morning... and at other times as well. Thankyou.

and finally... I quote a post I saw on Facebook yesterday...

" Please give me a piece of your heart, before you decide to give me a piece of your mind '"

 

 

Comments

  1. Chris PJ2 August 2015 at 21:58

    Praying Gaz. You are called to be you. Wherever you are, whatever you do, God can continue to use you. Sick or well, weak or strong, be you, be real, and God will use you. We have to catch up with 6oy n Jules.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gary Grant3 August 2015 at 10:47

    Friends... and especially those who have been praying for me(us).. the doctor found some lumps in my neck in the past few weeks which i had an ultrasound for last week. its been a bit worrying, well if I was to be truthful, I was very concerned of what it might have been.... I have been in pain for the past few months with this and today I received the all clear on this, it is an infection that can be treated with antibiotics. so that is one less concern for me this day, for which I am ever so grateful. Please keep praying for my Melissa... I am relieved today of my concerns.. for myself and now can concentrate on Mel a little more. Praise the Lord for His goodness to me today.

    ReplyDelete
  3. carolyn ledger3 August 2015 at 19:10

    Gary as an officer that has waited 20years to come into the ministry God had placed on my heart - let me encourage you. If God has given you the dream and made you restless then it is his business to bring you into it. It is not entirely in our hands - yes we can make wrong choices and knows that we don't get all things right and makes allowances for that. Ask God if the dream is still go - don't look at how long you may have to wait, and if its not to take it away. Often God will make us restless when he is getting ready to do a mighty work in us and often that means He wants to give us a new picture of who he is. You are right it comes down to surrender and be confident that if God has said it he will bring it to pass - in his time. Why don't you come over to our next Prophecy and healing afternoon on 16th. August

    ReplyDelete

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