The Alone...Me (Part 5)
firstly; I am convinced that the only way God could do this in me, was to get me alone. its not that Julie is a distraction, its probably a lot more to do with me than her... for in the nights when I go to sleep alone, come home after a long day at church and just want to unpack my thoughts and debrief...she is not there, only God and me. and that's ok.
inside my soul, I am changing, I can feel it...its tangible what I feel.........never in my wildest imagination did I expect God to do this in me...now... I did think He would do it in Jules while she was away and He is...but didn't expect the treatment my soul is getting.
It is a mixture of these following words and phrases:
turmoil yet peaceful
deeply satisfying yet also incredibly unsettling
I am fearful yet also confident
I feel anxious but yet also not
I am being affirmed
reminded of His grace
feel totally inadequate
also totally useless
and inside me I feel God removing things, and replacing passions and desire for Him... and the fire is being fanned into a raging flame inside my soul
I also find it really hard to communicate it all....at times I find myself just crying, over mixed emotions...gladness and sadness ( at times I think I am going nuts) but I just know.... that God is at work in me.
what else can I say today...an amazing weekend, an amazing last week and awesome start to today.
in my last blog I wrote about the visit of 2 eagles to my church last week. I may have only mentioned one but later in the week another appeared to me ...a sure sign for me that God is here.
this morning started for me with the following email which I am cutting and pasting in my blog, to just show you what God does with this stuff in me, for me..... maybe it will encourage you, maybe it wont...it did me, and thats importnat to me.
I feel like I am in surgery / operating theatre with Doctor Jesus working inside me...removing stuff that has held me back and tidying up other stuff which will help me function more effectively. its painful, but I know it will turn out best in the end.
Did I tell you how much I love Him ? well I do.
Hope you do too.
here's the email.. thanks Kev..for sending it to me.
Freedom and Jeff
Freedom and I have been together 11 years this summer.
She came in as a baby in 1998 with two broken wings.
Her left wing doesn't open all the way even after surgery,
it was broken in 4 places.
She's my baby.
When Freedom came in she could not stand
and both wings were broken. She was
emaciated and covered in lice. We made the
decision to give her a chance at life, so I took
her to the vet's office. From then
on, I was always around her. We had her in a
huge dog carrier with the top off, and it
was loaded up with shredded newspaper for her to
lay in. I used to sit and talk to her,
urging her to live, to fight; and she would lay
there looking at me with those big brown eyes.
We also had to tube feed her for weeks.
This went on for 4-6 weeks, and by then she still
couldn't stand. It got to the point where the
decision was made to euthanize her
if she couldn't stand in a week. You know you don't
want to cross that line between torture and
rehab, and it looked like death was
winning. She was going to be put
down that Friday, and I was supposed to come in
on that Thursday afternoon. I didn't want to go
to the center that Thursday, because I couldn't
bear the thought of her being euthanized;
but I went anyway, and when I walked in everyone
was grinning from ear to ear. I went
immediately back to her cage; and there she was,
standing on her own, a big beautiful
eagle. She was ready to live. I was
just about in tears by then. That
was a very good day.
We knew she could never fly, so the director
asked me to glove train her.
I got her used to the glove,
and then to jesses, and we started
doing education programs for schools
in western Washington .
We wound up in the newspapers,
radio (believe it or not) and some
TV. Miracle Pets even did a show
about us.
In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with
non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I had stage 3,
which is not good (one major organ plus
everywhere), so I wound up doing 8 months of
chemo. Lost the hair - the whole
bit. I missed a lot of work. When I
felt good enough, I would go to Sarvey
and take Freedom out for walks. Freedom would
also come to me in my dreams and help me fight
the cancer. This happened time and time again.
Fast forward to November 2000
the day after Thanksgiving,
I went in for my last checkup.
I was told that if the cancer was not
all gone after 8 rounds of chemo, then my last
option was a stem cell transplant. Anyway, they
did the tests; and I had to come back Monday for
the results. I went in Monday, and I was
told that all the cancer was gone.
So the first thing I did was get up to Sarvey and
take the big girl out for a walk. It was misty
and cold. I went to her flight and jessed her
up, and we went out front to the top of the
hill. I hadn't said a word to
Freedom, but somehow she knew. She looked at me
and wrapped both
her wings around me to where I
could feel them pressing in on my back
(I was engulfed in eagle wings), and she
touched my nose with her beak and stared into my
eyes, and we just stood there like that
for I don't know how long . That was a
magic moment. We have been soul mates ever
since she came in. This is a very special bird.
On a side note: I have had people who
were sick come up to us when we are out, and
Freedom has some kind of hold on
them. I once had a guy who was
terminal come up to us and
I let him hold her.
His knees just about buckled and he
swore he could feel her power course through his
body. I have so many stories like that..
I never forget the honor I have of being so close
to such a magnificent spirit as
Freedom.
Hope you enjoyed this!
But they that wait upon the Lord
She came in as a baby in 1998 with two broken wings.
Her left wing doesn't open all the way even after surgery,
it was broken in 4 places.
She's my baby.
When Freedom came in she could not stand
and both wings were broken. She was
emaciated and covered in lice. We made the
decision to give her a chance at life, so I took
her to the vet's office. From then
on, I was always around her. We had her in a
huge dog carrier with the top off, and it
was loaded up with shredded newspaper for her to
lay in. I used to sit and talk to her,
urging her to live, to fight; and she would lay
there looking at me with those big brown eyes.
We also had to tube feed her for weeks.
This went on for 4-6 weeks, and by then she still
couldn't stand. It got to the point where the
decision was made to euthanize her
if she couldn't stand in a week. You know you don't
want to cross that line between torture and
rehab, and it looked like death was
winning. She was going to be put
down that Friday, and I was supposed to come in
on that Thursday afternoon. I didn't want to go
to the center that Thursday, because I couldn't
bear the thought of her being euthanized;
but I went anyway, and when I walked in everyone
was grinning from ear to ear. I went
immediately back to her cage; and there she was,
standing on her own, a big beautiful
eagle. She was ready to live. I was
just about in tears by then. That
was a very good day.
We knew she could never fly, so the director
asked me to glove train her.
I got her used to the glove,
and then to jesses, and we started
doing education programs for schools
in western Washington .
We wound up in the newspapers,
radio (believe it or not) and some
TV. Miracle Pets even did a show
about us.
In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with
non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I had stage 3,
which is not good (one major organ plus
everywhere), so I wound up doing 8 months of
chemo. Lost the hair - the whole
bit. I missed a lot of work. When I
felt good enough, I would go to Sarvey
and take Freedom out for walks. Freedom would
also come to me in my dreams and help me fight
the cancer. This happened time and time again.
Fast forward to November 2000
the day after Thanksgiving,
I went in for my last checkup.
I was told that if the cancer was not
all gone after 8 rounds of chemo, then my last
option was a stem cell transplant. Anyway, they
did the tests; and I had to come back Monday for
the results. I went in Monday, and I was
told that all the cancer was gone.
So the first thing I did was get up to Sarvey and
take the big girl out for a walk. It was misty
and cold. I went to her flight and jessed her
up, and we went out front to the top of the
hill. I hadn't said a word to
Freedom, but somehow she knew. She looked at me
and wrapped both
her wings around me to where I
could feel them pressing in on my back
(I was engulfed in eagle wings), and she
touched my nose with her beak and stared into my
eyes, and we just stood there like that
for I don't know how long . That was a
magic moment. We have been soul mates ever
since she came in. This is a very special bird.
On a side note: I have had people who
were sick come up to us when we are out, and
Freedom has some kind of hold on
them. I once had a guy who was
terminal come up to us and
I let him hold her.
His knees just about buckled and he
swore he could feel her power course through his
body. I have so many stories like that..
I never forget the honor I have of being so close
to such a magnificent spirit as
Freedom.
Hope you enjoyed this!
But they that wait upon the Lord
shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run, and not be weary;
and they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
wowww....simply awesome....unreal but so true that how god amazes people...
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