The Alone...Me (Part 5)

This blog post is intensely personal, for it is what God is doing inside my soul.

firstly; I am convinced that the only way God could do this in me, was to get me alone.  its not that Julie is a distraction, its probably a lot more to do with me than her... for in the nights when I go to sleep alone, come home after a long day at church and just want to unpack my thoughts and debrief...she is not there, only God and me.  and that's ok.

inside my soul, I am changing, I can feel it...its tangible what I feel.........never in my wildest imagination did I expect God to do this in me...now... I did think He would do it in Jules while she was away and He is...but didn't expect  the treatment my soul is getting.

It is a mixture of these following words and phrases:

turmoil yet peaceful
deeply satisfying yet also incredibly unsettling
I am fearful yet also confident
I feel anxious but yet also not
I am being affirmed
reminded of His grace
feel totally inadequate
also totally useless
and inside me I feel God removing things, and replacing passions and desire for Him... and the fire is being fanned into a raging flame inside my soul

I also find it really hard to communicate it all....at times I find myself just crying, over mixed emotions...gladness and sadness ( at times I think I am going nuts)  but I just know.... that God is at work in me.

what else can I say today...an amazing weekend, an amazing last week and awesome start to today.

in my last blog I wrote about the visit of 2 eagles  to my church last week. I may have only mentioned one but later in the week another appeared to me ...a sure sign for me that God is here.

this morning started for me with the following email which I am cutting and pasting in my blog, to just show you what God does with this stuff in me, for me..... maybe it will encourage you, maybe  it wont...it did me, and thats importnat to me.

I feel like I am in surgery / operating theatre with Doctor Jesus working inside me...removing stuff that has held me back and tidying up other stuff which will help me function more effectively.   its painful,   but I know it will turn out best in the end.

Did I tell you how much I love Him ?    well I do.

Hope you do too.

here's the email.. thanks Kev..for sending it to me.

Freedom and Jeff

Freedom and I have been together 11 years this summer. 
She came in as a baby in 1998 with two broken wings.
Her left wing doesn't open all the way even after surgery,
it was broken in 4 places.
She's my baby.
When Freedom came in she could not stand 
and both wings were broken. She was 
emaciated and covered in lice. We made the 
decision to give her a chance at life, so I took 
her to the vet's office. From then 
on, I was always around her. We had her in a 
huge dog carrier with the top off, and it 
was loaded up with shredded newspaper for her to 
lay in. I used to sit and talk to her, 
urging her to live, to fight; and she would lay 
there looking at me with those big brown eyes. 
We also had to tube feed her for weeks.
This went on for 4-6 weeks, and by then she still 
couldn't stand. It got to the point where the 
decision was made to euthanize her 
if she couldn't stand in a week. You know you don't 
want to cross that line between torture and 
rehab, and it looked like death was 
winning. She was going to be put 
down that Friday, and I was supposed to come in 
on that Thursday afternoon. I didn't want to go 
to the center that Thursday, because I couldn't 
bear the thought of her being euthanized; 
but I went anyway, and when I walked in everyone 
was grinning from ear to ear. I went 
immediately back to her cage; and there she was, 
standing on her own, a big beautiful 
eagle. She was ready to live. I was 
just about in tears by then. That 
was a very good day. 
We knew she could never fly, so the director 
asked me to glove train her.
I got her used to the glove,
and then to jesses, and we started
doing education programs for schools
in western Washington . 
We wound up in the newspapers, 
radio (believe it or not) and some 
TV. Miracle Pets even did a show 
about us.
In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with 
non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I had stage 3, 
which is not good (one major organ plus 
everywhere), so I wound up doing 8 months of 
chemo. Lost the hair - the whole 
bit. I missed a lot of work. When I 
felt good enough, I would go to Sarvey 
and take Freedom out for walks. Freedom would 
also come to me in my dreams and help me fight 
the cancer. This happened time and time again.
Fast forward to November 2000

the day after Thanksgiving,
I went in for my last checkup. 
I was told that if the cancer was not 
all gone after 8 rounds of chemo, then my last 
option was a stem cell transplant. Anyway, they 
did the tests; and I had to come back Monday for 
the results. I went in Monday, and I was 
told that all the cancer was gone.
So the first thing I did was get up to Sarvey and 
take the big girl out for a walk. It was misty
and cold. I went to her flight and jessed her 
up, and we went out front to the top of the 
hill. I hadn't said a word to 
Freedom, but somehow she knew. She looked at me 
and wrapped both
her wings around me to where I 
could feel them pressing in on my back 
(I was engulfed in eagle wings), and she 
touched my nose with her beak and stared into my 
eyes, and we just stood there like that 
for I don't know how long . That was a 
magic moment. We have been soul mates ever 
since she came in. This is a very special bird.
On a side note: I have had people who 
were sick come up to us when we are out, and 
Freedom has some kind of hold on 
them. I once had a guy who was 
terminal come up to us and
I let him hold her.
His knees just about buckled and he 
swore he could feel her power course through his 
body. I have so many stories like that..
I never forget the honor I have of being so close 
to such a magnificent spirit as 
Freedom.
Hope you enjoyed this! 
But they that wait upon the Lord

shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run, and not be weary;
and they shall walk, and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

 

the Alone ...Me (part 4)

Every few days ...I realise that I am alone... I hope that you are not being bored by all my stuff here but whilst Jules is in London learning heaps, I am also learning heaps..  I guess if you are bored and  are not interested in my stuff, then you dont have to read this do you ... lol.

truthfully, Sundays are the worst.  I hate it when Jules is not around, and last Sunday was particularly difficult, and must be  honest I found myself having shed a tear or two.    (a bit of a softy I am)

I am pleased she is doing well and enjoying herself and making new friends and connecting with the Lord.

I am also pleased with what He is doing in me.

today...as I opened the church gates I glanced up and there 50 meters up, an eagle gently gilded over the church carpark, and within seconds was gone. ( perfect timing... it is always this way when God sends me an eagle)

now anyone who really knows me, knows the significance of this for me.

Whenever I see an Eagle...it has always been 100% accurate...a message from God to me, it is intensely personal for me, But God speaks to me every single time, and today is no different.

it is either a reminder that everything is going to be ok....or  that something huge is about to happen.

He has been sending me eagles every now and then, ever since in my first 4 months of ministry (17 years ago) in Tasmania when I was facing really tough ministry issues after the Port Arthur massacre...He has been faithful to me in this way and always has been... and every single time something has happened around me and in me, after the time I have seen the eagle.

so todays eagle right over our church carpark was indeed very special for me personally.

I don't do well without Julie...  and in some ways my ministry ( at least in my mind) is under the microscope...everything being re-evaluated  and reviewed...(by me)   I am well aware of just how tired and busy I am and things keep being thrown at me, from left field that surprise me and just add to the load, thankfully  I have really good people around me who are willing to step up and help...simply said without  my leadership team at Salvos 3064 and my 2 beautiful daughters...it would be over for me.


I have the best church leadership team on the planet...in our church, and they are just fantastic people ...I believe in them and am grateful  for their willing serving hearts.

I believe that even for them, the eagle today, is a sign of what lays ahead of us..... huge Godly blessing and opportunity.

My daughters are great girls and they are helping me heaps at the moment... these are good days, these are days I will never forget.

and so..now.... the alone me is moving on..... I  cant wait to see what happens next.

God is ever faithful and His promises are sure.

whatever lays before me, just now, is mapped out for me already, and I choose Gods ways over my own.

I pray He will bless you today also.

and for those who dont know what an eagle looks like...I include one here for you to see and ponder.

they soar above the issues and problems and storms of the world. they have eagle eye Vision...sharp and focussed.  why not be an eagle for Jesus today, yourself.

blessings.

The Alone me ( part 3)

I realized today that I am around 5 weeks away from joining Jules in London. That will be very special.

She appears to be doing very ok, ( guess I am thinking she may be doing too well ) lol. She is having a blast and said she is learning heaps, things I didn't even know they did at ICO, that's great, she is such a legend and I love her dearly.

So about the alone me...

Satan has been throwing everything he has got at me, it's interesting, but I am standing strong.

It's been one of the busiest weeks of the year...so Far for me.... All our mid week meetings re convened this week and as well as some new meetings to attend, it's been busy.

I know a few things new are happening for me personally, I doubt that God may have got my attention if I were not alone, and He is using this time to refine me.

I am grateful for it.

I feel stronger today, it's been a ok week, and for me, I saw an eagle this week, that is significant for me in the scheme of things in my life, a promise and re assurance that God is with me, He holds me, He has my back.

I feel that we have headed off with our leaders at S3064 church, on the right foot and overall I am excited about what looks ahead.

One of the big things I am learning so far is from a new book I am reading called...

The irresistible church.... 12 traits that heaven applauds. Wayne Cordeiro.

A fantastic book.

If you or I want to be a Christian and part of a church that heaven applauds, it would be helpful to take the traits and apply them.

The biggy so far this week is the trait of "Gratefulness".

I found myself weeping over all God has done for me. For our church. I have much to be gratefull for, and so do you.

I wonder if you have ever stopped to think about what heaven sees when you minister in Gods holy name, when your church does it's thing, do you ever wonder whether heaven applauds you and stops and rejoices over your church ?

I sure hope heaven applauds Craigieburn Salvos. I sure hope it doesn't groan over us. I believe that we have a wonderful privilege to serve our father and bring tears of joy to heaven...simply by us being true to the calls which is ours.

When I get to heaven I want to hear... Welcome home, good and faithful servant.

So....about being alone...

The alone me is surviving so far.

I am walking 4 Km's each day again.
Eating well (most days)
Sleeping well
Praying harder
Devotions have changed
Vision is sharpening
Church is good

And yeah. I smell a roast In the oven cooking for dinner, I can even cook.and the girls are helping too...bless them.
The ironing is done and the washing is up to date.

The garden hasnt died and we may eat some tomatoes that we have grown here, in the next week or so.

Do I miss Julie ? Can I do it without her ? Well yes and yes.

But it's better when she is here.

5 weeks to go and I am on my way also.

And my Jesus journey continues.

The Alone...Me (Part 2)

Week 2...

hmmm..

well I miss her, and it was made more obvious yesterday at church when the senior woman of the house was absent.

I knew she did a lot, but  that's not what I miss so much as I just miss the support she is, her presence.  But here's the thing, she deserves what is happening for her in London,  and I do not begrudge her that in anyway, in fact I am proud of her ..

so here is what I have learned this week for me...

A few things went haywire this past week which caused me to reflect on decisions I will need to make in the future.   And some decisions that really, only I can make, for myself.

For each of us, we make choices, that effect our future...and effect those around us.  For me that has become heightened because I am alone and  need to make decisions.... that normally would be discussed with Jules, but for now she doesn't need to be bothered with the everyday  choices and decisions..... such as the following... ( sorry if this sounds weird)

My dog got out at home and caused me much worry as we tried to track him down and get him home.       He is 17 years old and is going blind and deaf and cant walk properly either...
but he is home and safe for now...it taught me that my heavenly  father will do everything and anything to get us home when we stray, just like I would do anything to get my dog home when he strayed.

Our dog has been naughty lately, and  I think a decision will need to be made sometime soon,  a decision that I don't want to have to take or make.  (sigh)    Hopefully, not a this week decision.

2011 was a hard year for me personally, it was hurtful and difficult and I want to put it behind me, and the only way I know how to do that well, is to choose to do that.  to choose God over the problems.

Seek God. 

I love some advice I read the other day.... don't ask God to help us with our problems, just seek Him and the other stuff will sort itself out as well..

Last night at our church was a beautiful night of worship and prayer and the peace of God fell in our church, we had asked God to come along and pour out His power and that exactly what He did...... I needed that.

When there are struggles around us, difficult decisions or choices to be made, we need the peace of God that passes all human understanding to be in us....  I feel that it is a sign that greater things are yet to come for me and for our church... and greater things attempted still in His name in my life, in our church and  this year.

Some of the barriers and blockages have now gone, and peace was poured out, at least into my heart and mind, and I felt that it is going to be ok, whatever hard choices need to be made in the coming days.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to anyone at all... I guess it doesn't need to,  its just me ranting... lol. 

I love it when God turns up.... and touches His church. Touches me.

I don't want to do life without Him, but the truth is, often I make choices and decisions that keep Him out of the equation...and thats just plain stupidity. ( we all do that )

so, loaded up with His peace and reminded of His love, forgiven, blessed and  equipped,  I look ahead.

hard or easy.
painful or joyous
alone or not

Jesus is my answer.  I pray He is yours too.

The Alone ...Me. (part 1)

Firstly, I don't want any pity... Or sympathy....these are just my thoughts and what Is happening in me at the moment.

Julie went away for 2 months a couple of nights ago and I am alone.... The girls are here, yes, but ultimately I am alone. No other staff helping me, and no right hand person, best friend alongside me, for a little while.

We have been married 30 years. And never been apart as long as we are about to be.

What I am learning...

I am very busy.
I miss her already.

But...

The biggy...

Is God wants my attention.

I am being tested...( failed so far )

My devotion and focus is on myself, not Him. That has to change. And will.

He has placed things into my life and allowed other things into my life to test me and see what is happening in my heart.... For that to happen best, I need to be alone.

Just He and me.

I am praying and hoping I will win, succeed and pass the test. Eventually.

He has drawn me back to some basic truths, some old books that He used in my early Christian life to captivate my imagination, He is reinforcing in me and asking me the big questions.

And it's only been a few days so far...and already the heat is on....

So today I am going to try a few things that will help me to win....

In my aloneness, I am never really alone....no one ever really is, when they have Jesus. But the big question for me, and maybe you.... Is...

When there is limited other human support and resource, is Jesus, really enough for me/you ?

Or do we rely too much upon other humans ? I think this is my big test.

I pray I pass it.

So far, not so good....

Today I intend to change a few things to help me to do better tomorrow.

2012

Unbelievable isnt it ?

2012 has started and 2011 finished...

as quick as 2011 came she went...

and I am geussing it will be a bit like that this year too.

does anyone out there want to join me in saying,...screaming...... slow down..... !!!!!!!!!!!


I dont think all the yelling and screaming on the entire planet will slow anything like "time" down...

so I think we need to make the most of the time that we have.

some say ..live for the moment, maybe it might be better to live for the Lord. Making the most of every opportunity given to us.

its a big year for us...Julie is about to leave for ICO,(3 months away) we are staff depleted at church and the pressure is on, really on... ( well I think it feels like its on, for me at least)  new challenges are coming my way every day at the moment, the latest a great privilege...serving on a THQ council/board for the next 12 months.... but I can honestly say, if we ( I ) am not smart this year,  I could get into trouble with the impending amount of workload on my plate, doing the work of 3 officers for 3 months in our church ....Julie gone. lost our Assistant, and one of our key admin workers out of the office for 20 weeks...

so I am now looking for how God will move in these situations.... who He will bring alongside to help.

I expect He will.  I have asked Him, He has never failed me before.  Not expecting him to fail this time either.

and then amongst it is the fresh challenges sitting fair and square on my plate... and I am excited about that.

Supernatural Sunday nights....I cant wait to see God do His thing, as we wait upon Him.
as we wait upon Him we will grow stronger.....He will be glorified amongst us.
and of course there is  the usual challenges of running a great growing church...

it will be busy and time will fly by very quickly.... I will have a month holiday in Europe.... and then the year will unfold its mystery's and blessings.

2012 looks like being my best year yet...   hope you will join me in it.

Gary